I am exhausted.
The irony is that my exhaustion is fueling my exhaustion. For example, this new "job" of student teaching is infinitely more work and more stress that any real job I have ever had. This is solely due to the fact that your "boss" is watching, observing and critiquing every single move you make. All day. Every day.
And while my "boss" is awesome and kind and knowledgeable, he's still my boss and the pressure is still on.
So, as it is, I come home from an eleven hour work day and I am terrified to sit down and do nothing. Because if I do, then I'll inevitable worry about how tomorrow is going to go. Or maybe I'll rehash the events of today and then beat myself up over all the things that I could have done. No, it's better to stay busy and find something else to think about.
So instead of sitting down and letting my mind wonder, I busy myself in the kitchen. Then when all the dishes have been cleaned within an inch of their life, I can't take the temptation of the couch anymore so I decide to head to the gym. At eight o'clock at night.
This is when I decide now is a good time to get back into running. On the treadmill I go...for an easy hour of painstaking cardio. I try and zone out to the beat of the music and get lost in Sheldon and Leonard's nonsense on TV but all I can think about is the lecture on the molecular structure of protein that I have to give tomorrow morning to a class of advanced biology students who are each more worried about their futures than all of my friend's worries combined. I cannot escape my mind. It's following me no matter where I go. I cannot hide from my worries.
Once my run is done I am now not only mentally exhausted but physically too. I am now so tired that when I walk out of the gym the cold, whipping wind hits me directly in the face and I momentarily forget to breathe. So I stand there, on the verge of collapse, and tell myself to BREATHE.
Because it is just a little wind. And it's just a little bit of biology. And it's just kids. These are all things that I can absolutely handle if I just remember to breathe.
I'm home now. I'm sitting on the couch with a glass of wine. Instead of worrying about tomorrow I'm choosing to write this blog post that is about absolutely nothing. Besides, someone once told me that worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
I'm not typically a worrier. Mainly, because I truly believe the rocking chair analogy. You can either control a situation or you can't. If you can, than do something about it. If you can't, than let it go. Either way, worrying isn't getting you anywhere.
So, I'm going back to my theme for the year. Confidence and kindness. I'll work hard and be confident in my abilities and also be kind to the people I see throughout the day.
Lucky for me, I have this fabulous new planner that mysteriously appeared in my mailbox. Some anonymous and fabulous person knows me very well and managed to find the perfect gift (thank you!).
What a perfect way to plan my days.
And might I suggest sending someone an anonymous gift? It's good for their soul. Yours too, probably.